Most romantic relationships face their fair share of challenges—whether it’s miscommunication, differing love languages, or the daily stressors of life. But when one or both partners have experienced trauma, the emotional landscape of the relationship becomes even more complex.
Trauma can affect how a person communicates, reacts to stress, and engages with their partner. Common symptoms include irritability, emotional withdrawal, difficulty trusting others, panic attacks, and intense reactions to triggers. These responses, while often rooted in past pain, can cause tension and misunderstanding in the relationship if not properly addressed.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma, know that healing is possible—and you can play a supportive, compassionate role in that process without compromising your own emotional well-being.
Below are five therapist-informed ways to support a partner who is working through trauma:
1. Educate Yourself About Trauma
Understanding trauma is key to responding with empathy and patience. Trauma affects the brain and nervous system, often causing heightened emotional responses or shutdowns in certain situations. When you educate yourself about trauma’s impact, you gain insight into your partner’s behaviors—not to excuse hurtful actions, but to better understand where they come from.
Consider reading books, watching trauma-informed videos, or attending a few therapy sessions with your partner to learn together. Many therapists are specifically trained in trauma and can offer tools and frameworks to support both individuals and the relationship as a whole.
2. Learn Your Partner’s Triggers
You may not be able to identify all of your partner’s trauma triggers—but learning the ones you can is incredibly helpful. Triggers can be anything that reminds your partner of past traumatic experiences, such as a tone of voice, a specific location, or even a certain word.
Encourage your partner to track their triggers using a journal or shared log, and support them when one arises by responding calmly and with understanding. The more you both learn about these patterns, the better you can work as a team to manage them and avoid unnecessary stress or conflict.
3. Respect Your Own Boundaries
Supporting a partner through trauma does not mean tolerating harmful behavior. While it’s true that people healing from trauma may have difficulty managing emotions, this doesn’t give anyone permission to mistreat others.
Know where your limits are and advocate for your emotional and physical safety. If your partner says or does something hurtful, speak up—ideally using “I” statements like: “I feel hurt when I’m spoken to that way.” Expressing how actions affect you fosters accountability without shame.
Couples therapy can be particularly helpful in these moments, providing a neutral space to work on communication and emotional safety for both partners.
4. Use a Distress Scale to Communicate More Effectively
When emotions are running high, it’s important to know when it’s time to pause. One useful strategy is to implement a distress scale—a simple 1 to 10 rating of how overwhelmed each partner is feeling.
Checking in this way helps prevent arguments from escalating and creates space to take a break when needed. Encourage your partner to share their distress level, and do the same yourself. If either of you is at an 8 or above, it might be best to step away for a moment, practice self-soothing, and return to the conversation when you’re calmer.
Remember: you can’t control your partner’s reactions, but you can manage your own—and lead by example in creating a safer, calmer environment.
5. Know When to Seek Professional Help
Healing from trauma—especially within the context of a romantic relationship—is a process that often requires professional support. If your relationship feels stuck or the trauma responses are disrupting your connection, therapy can be a game-changer.
A licensed couples therapist will treat the relationship as the client, helping you both explore patterns, build empathy, and communicate more effectively. You don’t need to have all the answers going into your first session—your therapist will guide the process and help you unpack the root causes of conflict and disconnection.
Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s a powerful step toward healing and growth—individually and as a couple.
Final Thoughts
Supporting a partner with trauma requires empathy, patience, and commitment. It’s not always easy—but it can also lead to a deeper, more resilient connection if both partners are willing to do the work.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but small, consistent steps—learning, listening, setting healthy boundaries, and asking for help when needed—can make a powerful difference.
If you’re unsure where to begin, a trauma-informed therapist can help you and your partner take the next step together.
